bleak.

When I was little, I was told I could do anything when I grew up.
I had this same strong willed determination all through my childhood, my awkward phase, my teenage angst. I had laid out my goals in my mind, and I was damned if I wasnt going to acheive them. I had this determination up until about 12 hours ago.
My future looks so bleak.
Its like Im caught in quicksand and as hard as I gifht to live, it is futile.
I have so many dreams, but for every one I have, I have about 10 obstacles in my way.
College? Its essential..but where will these thousands of dollars come from?
I keep telling myself just two more years..but thats a long time to pent it all up. They say they care, but in the end, Im the scapegoat.

Fuck my life.

and still I hear them yearning..

Those you've known
Lost still walk behind you.
All alone, that linger till the find you.
Without them, the world grows dark around you.
And nothing is the same till you know they have found you.

They walk with my heart.

I'll never let them go.

Spring Awakening is haunting my mind.


Where is my mind? Maybe its with them, with reason, with logic.

Last night was murder mystery dinner theatre. I played a girl named Tattoo that hated life.
Its like I didnt have to act even..
I miss them so much.
There are few that must know the agonizing pain of coming out of the best childhood ever, a secure life, to one that grips the future with threatening suspense.
In my mind I live in a Utopia, without money and greed. Without hate and lies.
All it does is make the real world just look harsher.

goals:

i will break the chain;
i will be successful;
i will go to college;
i will follow my dreams;
i will be happy;
i will change the world.
i will change someone's mind.

i will not be another statistic.
i will not let negativity seep in.

this is my life.
i will determine my own path.
i am just water; they are rock.
but over time i will prove to erode them.

i promise. i will not break.

YOU MIGHT JUST START A CHAIN REACTION

Rachel Scott.
The first person to be shot in the Columbine school shootings on April 20th, 1999. She is now known world-wide for her kindness and compassion during her life. Rachel had this theory that if one person goes out of their way to be nicer to one person, that person will go on to be nicer to someone else and so on. She composed this theory six weeks before her death.
It is a challenge that has been imposed on me and my high school, to accept Rachel's challenge and start to show love and kindness toward others, and make the world a better place.

I accept the challenge;
do you?

elephant.

Il donne moi une l'elephante pour st.valentin :)
j'aime beacoup...
Mon petit ami es tres merveilleux.
je le donnerais tient le premier rôle si je pourrais.


working on the french, thats right.

no one makes sense to me;

the exhilaration of ditching class;
the panic over a fight;
the urge to get in a fight;

stuff I never understood;
till this week. I ditched, for the first time.
My heart was thumping a million miles a minute. And I was sure I was dead meat.
But I got away with it. :)
I cussed someone out this week, and it was awesome.
Which is very unme.
Valentine's day is surely and steadily nearing.
and I must ready myself for the delisciously ridiculous materialism!

To be honest, I was really dreading this weekend.
I hated myself for thinking that, but it was irrevocably true.
I knew I shouldn't be so reluctant to spend time with my parents.
But I did, and I was pushing the thought of being here as far into the back of my mind as I could.


But I'm here, and I'm happy.
Not because I like it or anything, because I can hear my parents laughing in the other room.
My mom enjoying cooking dinner.
It's nice,
It's such a change from the melancholy mood that was looming overhead all my family affairs.

=)
Oh, happy day.