To be honest, I was really dreading this weekend.
I hated myself for thinking that, but it was irrevocably true.
I knew I shouldn't be so reluctant to spend time with my parents.
But I did, and I was pushing the thought of being here as far into the back of my mind as I could.


But I'm here, and I'm happy.
Not because I like it or anything, because I can hear my parents laughing in the other room.
My mom enjoying cooking dinner.
It's nice,
It's such a change from the melancholy mood that was looming overhead all my family affairs.

=)
Oh, happy day.

this bitch is sickly.

My vocal cords are on strike,
in the meanwhile,
I never fail to keep procrastinating on my a.p euro essay(s).

how wonderful.

Comfort.

my favorite things in the whole wide world :)

my baby blanket
late night phone conversations
kissing
chai tea
rain
music
home.

bipolar rants of sleep deprivation.

I'm ridden with insomnia.
My mind is full to capacity. I have so many things to think that I haven't yet been thunk.
I'm so uncertain with life right now.
It seems as if,
I know where I'm going, just not how I'm getting there.
All I'm sure of is I'm going places, with Colton Willey by my side :)

deja vu.

I haven't the slightest idea what tomorrow will bring for me.
In some way, this is thrilling.
and more so in others, i hate it.

good morning, world. You sicken me.

Muse.

Life, as it seems, is getting more and more complex with each passing day.

With every sunrise, I find myself more and more distant to the innocent throws of childhood that I recall being not yet over only a few weeks ago. Instead, I feel like every morning my eyes open to a more cruel, pessimistic world that a child's eyes would sheild against.

Am I, dare to say it, growing up, or maturing?

I suppose that life has to has it's goodbyes eventually..or, atleast, thats what I keep telling myself. I just never thought at fifteen years old I would have to say goodbye to everything familiar to my adolesence, to my..my parents.

This is killing me inside. I am well aware of this, but I'm too optimistic to let this get to me.

Its like an epidemic coarsing through my viens, and I'm waiting for it to spread..

My inevitable homesickness isn't that bad, but sometimes a single image, a tiny trivial object will trigger the want to cry, the want for my mom. I didn't know I had such utter loathing, blunt and hateful animosity towards any of my emotions as I do now for my own guilt, my own deepening sadness that covers itself with my childish bliss. I can only imagine what this is doing to those around me.

I'm trying desperately not to be a burden, to be good about this..and I fear I've slipped up. I have to get through this. I must. I am Kelsey Fucking Hill. I am strong. I am afraid of nothing.

but in truth, i am terrified.

my muse is emotion, for I don't think I've ever been shocked to my very core by something so..unstable. I will make it out alive.

I have to look on the brightside.

I have friends, the most amazing boyfriend, and the all too rare possesions of a time when I wouldnt think so deeply and heartwrenchingly about all this.

I am breaking through the adult threshold, and only love is holding me back.